Dating With Herpes!
Of course I know that this is on everyone’s mind and I’m even shocked at myself that I took so long to post about it. So you want to know about dating with herpes?
One of the reasons I tend to turn a blind eye to this subject is that it is a relatively non-issue for me and I am so frustrated with all the herpes dating sites that proliferate on the Internet. I get repeated e-mails daily from these sites asking me to become an affiliate and promote them on this blog. I now send them straight to spam so I stop getting grumpy every time I see one in my in box.
The reason?
The entire point of dating with herpes sites is to meet someone else that has herpes and to completely avoid ever having to tell someone, I have herpes. This is all fine except that it prays on your fear of being rejected and manipulates you into paying some monthly fee to find other people with herpes. And here is the kicker: By taking this route you eliminate about 40% – 60% of potential partners!
This is quite a big risk to take especially if you consider that there are some really great partners out there that probably don’t have herpes. Like me. (except I’m married!)
What I meant to say was take my herpes story:
I have had three long term relationships since being diagnosed with HSV2. From 17 – 21, I was with a great guy who was a tad older than me, and then from 22 – 27 I was with the cutest, nicest, sexiest guy I’d ever met. He was a real gem and while I loved him, our future plans did not click and we decided to separate. Then?! You ask! I met my husband when I was 29. You just know when you meet the right guy. It’s easy, it feels right, and you feel like you met your best friend. You can’t wait to see him over and over again and you’d rather do everything with him than anyone else. At least for awhile. At some point it’s great to get back with your girlfriends but that is a whole other blog post. Bottom line: I love my husband. We have been together 10 years, still have awesome sex (actually it gets better every year), and our “date nights” once a week are my favorite night of the week. Yes, we still have issues with fighting (we are both opinionated and stubborn), but that too is getting better every year.
My point?
None of these men had or has genital herpes and if either of the first two have it now, they didn’t get it from me. Can you imagine if I’d gone to some silly dating site and missed out on these relationships?! I know for sure that I would not be the woman I am today if this was the case. And I mostly sort of like who I am. Yes, telling them each that I had herpes was hard, but I did it and it really went fine. In my experience, there is always the first few months when condoms are essential and their is a bit of herpes anxiety on the part of both partners but as time (and sex) goes on, and they don’t get it, everyone starts to relax about the whole H thing and it’s importance fades away.
So think twice before you search herpes and dating on the Internet.
Maybe just search “dating” instead…
Best,
Nanci
No related posts.
i can honestly say your blog has helped me deeply feel better bout’ my self. :]
thnxs.
Hi Nanci:
My name is Bob and I am the President/CEO of http://www.MyPositiveMatch.com. I have wanted to launch a herpes dating website for some time and I just completed and launched my site. I am excited.
First and Foremost, I thought your blog was very well written and thoughtful. You are obviously very smart and extremely articulate.
I can see and agree with many of the points you have made regarding Herpes Dating sites. That being said, there is a large group of people who have Herpes and are terrified that they will meet someone great on a regular dating site and when they share this with him/her that they will run for the hills. I have heard very few if any criticism of Herpes Dating sites. I feel regular dating sites and herpes dating sites have a valuable place for singles. It goes along with the McDonald’s (fast food) argument. I personally love McDonald’s I will admit but there are many that feel there food is very unhealthy especially children. My feeling is “live and let live”, if you don’t like McDonalds then don’t go. Now if Mickey D’s put vending machines in schools then I would take issue with them.
I know many people who have used H dating sites and it has been an extremely positive experience.
I would ask that you try to see some of the positives through Herpes Dating Sites. You may be discouraging someone from doing this when this could be a hugely positive experience. Many of the sites (including mine) offer a free membership to see if it is something that might interest daters.
As I said earlier, I thought your post was very good. I just would have liked it if you pointed out a few positives as this would increase your credibility exponentially.
Thanks again,
Bob
President/CEO/Founder
http://www.MyPositiveMatch.com
Hey Bob,
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I took a bit of a break from this blog but the e-mails I received in my absence have made me realize that people really are in need of valuable information on herpes and appreciate my thoughts and comments. So I will work harder to keep a presence here.
Thanks so much for your comments. I probably should have thought it out before I posted in frustration. I receive so many e-mails from scared young women that feel they will be automatically rejected for having H, coupled with the fact that one particular STD dating site e-mails me almost weekly to partner with them, it makes me feel that there is a conspiracy (just kidding, I know there is no conspiracy) to keep H people dating each other.
My point was that if you limit yourself to only others with H, you miss out on a large percentage of the population who could actually be a future spouse for you. I just don’t want people with H to limit their options out of shame.
If I were to use dating sites (I will not because I am married), I would use as many quality sites as I could find. If I met someone on an H site, that would be great because it is one less difficult situation to have!
I agree that all dating sites are good because they have potential mates on them; not because they have others with herpes.
Can we agree on that?
I hope your site is going well!
Nanci
Hi Nanci:
Very Well Said! I agree.
Best,
Bob
Nancy,
Thank you so much for writing this. It’s very brave. I got diagnosed recently, but I knew it was coming. And it’s so true, the one thing going through my mind was, and sometimes still is, “I’ll never be able to be with anyone again”. It’s such a comfort to know that that isnt true, and while I know there are going to be some tears ahead still, I have got some hope.
Thanks again,
Emily
I totally understand where Nanci is coming from. While I have herpes, I get upset when I see dating websites for people with STDs (for people with herpes and HIV, etc). I do agree that it “prays on your fear of being rejected and manipulates you into paying some monthly fee to find other people with herpes”. It makes you feel that people like they are damaged goods and the only ones that will probably accept and love you are those who also have it — they have no choice because like you, they are damaged goods too. No offense to the President/CEO of one of those websites. How do we get rid of this stigma of herpes if there are websites that somehow suggests that we should look for people who also have herpes because we are not good enough for people that do not have it.
Nanci, your blog has been the nicest most positive thing I’ve come across regarding herpes. I feel somewhat braver now. I used to dread telling potential partners, even considering not telling them and live on a lie (“every relationship has secrets”). This is all because of my fear of being rejected or never finding anyone because I feel so ashamed and not good enough because of what I have. I like the blog you wrote about how to tell your partner. I promise I will tell my future partners and be completely honest and I will take your advice by starting with “it’s not that big of a deal but I need to tell you something important”. If they stay, great. If they don’t, they’d have left me eventually anyway.
Nanci you are my hero. I love your blog so much!
Nanci , I found your blog today. I have been so depressed and your blog has made me feel like my life isn’t over:-) I am very greatful. Bless you:-)
I am 23 years old. I was diagnosed when I was 22. Its been ten months and ever since I have talked to 5 guys and all 5 rejected me. I am starting to give up on dating because I am so tired of crying over and over again after each rejection. Close friends and family that know always say don’t say anything. Lie. But I would never lie to anybody about something as serious as that. I know its the most commond STD but it’s still surreal that I have contracted it. I was with my second guy and got it. I know girls my age that constantly have sex with many men and have nothing. It’s not fair. I do cry and get upset on my own but I did look into them dating sites because I know it would be easier for me but I shouldn’t have to. I have a bunch of girls that must of found out through the guy and I’ve been harassed about it. People snicker and talk about me. I try and stay strong but sometimes I just can’t be. First of all people hear the word and run and they have no idea what they are talking about. I will find somebody one day but right now its just been repeated rejections. But you have a great blog and I am glad I read it :)