How To Tell Someone You Have Herpes
This is by far one of the most requested advice questions I receive. Yes, it can be so hard to tell someone you have herpes.
Trust me, I (ahem) have some experience with this subject (hey – not that much!).
The problem is that in the first few months or even years, people with herpes tend to have enormous amounts of shame and fear around carrying the virus. It should not be like this. It is estimated and widely reported that over 40% of the population carries H.
You are obviously not alone.
What happens when we carry this shame is we tend to expect that anyone we meet and have to do the whole herpes telling thing is that they too will feel that we are somehow damaged goods and should be ashamed. This again is not true. When we project this guilt, shame, regret into our herpes speech, it actually makes everything worse. You end up scaring the hell out whoever you are telling!
Herpes Telling
First try to find a safe place to tell the person. A quiet safe place with a glass of wine or a coffee is good. Best (although I have done this!) not to tell them when you are naked in bed and the action is just about to start. Do NOT start the conversation with anything like, “I have something horrible to tell you”, “I have the worst thing in the world to tell you”, “You are going to hate me, but..”, or “I know you will leave me when I tell you this”.
How would you feel if someone started a conversation like this with you? That’s what I thought.
You need to project confidence. And if you don’t have any: Fake it! Start with something like, “This isn’t that big of a deal but I need to tell you something important”. Make sure you give all the facts about spreading herpes and that contracting herpes is not going to happen to them because you are going to protect them. Tell them about me if you want to! That I have had female genital herpes for over 20 years and have never passed the virus to a single person. Tell them about Angela over at yoshi2me.com that has been happily married for over 10 years and has never passed the virus to her husband.
Make sure you insist that you are going to use condoms until they are comfortable with you having vaginal herpes no matter how long this takes. (you might even want to have a supply of condoms ready..)
Try not to cry or to make it their problem. By this I mean don’t tell the whole sad and sordid story about how you contracted H or how sorry you are you have it or you hope they forgive you.
It is not their problem.
It is your issue and while it is not your fault, you can take responsibility for where you are now with the virus and take control of protecting your partner in the relationship.
It will be OK. Trust me.
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Hi Nancy, i was wondering if you had any pointers for online dating and telling potential partners. I have told 2 partners in my life time one lasyed 8 yrs and one was a 9month relationship. The later contracted H from me. But I did feel better about telling him. It is still never easy ( insert fear) telling someone you have the virus …when you interested in and care about them.
SO my question, i have been in touch with a guy I met ( on a plane ride ) and emailing him for the last 3 months. We met briefly as i had a business trip in his area. We did a lot of kissing and it started too get very steamy. After our date, we agreed we would like to see each other but because our meeting was so brief ( 6 hrs), i wanted to get to know him face to face, enjoy the date and i didnt have the courage to tell him. So our next meeting is possibly in December and i am weighing telling him before we meet or telling him when we see each other again.
Any advice.!? I would like to tell him now because it would get rid of this weight on my shoulders. I would hate to tell him when we get face to face and he decides its not something he can deal with. The fear can really take over. And there is pressure from the long distance and not being able to talk face to face ( which i prefer). i appreciate your input and am thankful for your blog. much thanks,Elizabeth
hi there. i was in a relationship for 4 years and my ex[wife never got anything. after a got the mother of my kids and we had two kids. she found it in the doctor that she has herpes. the doctor said she got from me? one question why my ex_wife never got? thanks
I really like this guy (who I’ve slept with) but at the time did not know yet that I had herpes. We had unprotected sex but I was not having an outbreak. I haven’t slept with him since I’ve found out because he moved away for school but is back for christmas. I’m so scared to tell him. How do I even begin to explain this to him? Also, the last time we slept together was over two months ago and he has not asked me or brought anything up so I assume he hasn’t contracted it? Or contracted it and is scared that he got it from someone else and gave it to me or he just hasn’t noticed anything. Please. Help me.
Nanci,
First and for most I have to Thank you for the advice on telling a partner about having herpes! I recently met a wonderful man, one I hope to spend the rest of my life with hopefully. After being raped when I was young and having my boyfriend of ten years watch and not do anything then to be left with herpes. To follow a string of bad relationships that always lead me to believe that Herpes would keep me from finding my fairy tale ending. As we all know fairy tale endings are fake but I have to say that Im on my way to what Ill call my fairy tale ending. I told him that I had to tell him something importent but its not that big of a deal, told him the facts on Herped and told him that we would always use condoms till we feel that we are at a point in our relationship to proceed differently. We both want to have children and I was greatly moved by your blog about vaginal delivery. So to make a long story short; when I told him he smiled at me and told me that doesnt change the way he feels about me. Wow, I was hoping for that but you never know how someone will react. Which in turn only confirms with my heart that I want to grow old with this man.
Hi,
I was hoping for some quick advice. I have been in a long distance relationship for 8 months and just discovered I have herpes. We have already been sexually active throughout, though always protected. At this point how do I break the news, more specifically should I break it over the phone now or in two weeks when my partner comes to visit.
I would appreciate any and all positive advice,
love
c
Thank you for this website!!!!! I am sssooo grateful I found it.