People With Herpes
It continues to amaze me (although I am not sure why) how much completely irrational and irresponsible information is available on the internet regarding people with herpes.
This morning I found this comment from 2008 on Angela’s site www.yoshi2me.com:
You are lucky to find a guy who would marry you knowing you have herpes. Most wouldn’t as it is a bigger sacrifice than needs to made. He must really love you. Hope you treat him right.
I was completely taken aback because people with herpes who have just been diagnosed do not need to read this garbage. While I am sure that there are many people out in the world that feel this way (biased and judgmental of people with herpes), is has NOT been the norm for myself or anyone I know that has vaginal herpes.
For the record, most women I know, including myself, that have genital herpes have long term partners or husbands (and many children) that DO NOT have the virus. This despite having a partner/wife/mother that has carried HSV2 and may have regular herpes outbreaks. This should be extremely promising and comforting to any woman just diagnosed with HSV2.
Do I consider myself lucky to have found a guy that would marry me knowing I have H? Does he think that he made a bigger sacrifice that needs to made? Do I have to treat him extra special to ensure he keeps loving me (because I have HSV2)?
God. No.
I am sure that many husbands in their younger years did not wake up every morning and dream of their future wife having herpes. I am sure they might have even thought that they might reject a woman for having herpes because it was just too much to deal with. But this is what happens. You meet someone, you click, you have fun together, you laugh, you look forward to seeing them. Soon you can’t stop thinking about them and you start imagining a future together. Better yet, you can’t imagine a future without them.
And then they tell you that they have genital herpes.
Yes, it’s hard to hear, “I have herpes” and it wasn’t what you were expecting. But the risk of losing this person becomes the greater sacrifice. And so you learn to deal, because this is life. There is cancer, depression, heart disease, and anything and everything more serious that HSV2. There is also marriage, children, joy, happiness, sharing passion together.
This is life.
For any woman out there that is rejected by a man over HSV2, be thankful. Because he was going to leave one day anyway.
You rock. You can and you will do better.
No related posts.
I have to say I completely love you!! Although I do not have genital herpes I’ve very recently been diagnosed with genital warts. It’s not life long but it stays in your body for an indefinite period of time, and I’m not sure exactly how to tell future partners that I may carry the virus. Everything I read on the internet was negative, aimed at putting people off catching the virus and not aimed at telling people how to deal with the virus. There’s so much support for HSV or HIV, but HPV is not considered a big enough deal to have good support pages. But try being the person who’s just been diagnosed with it! It’s embarrassing, disgusting, taboo, etc… I think it’s a HUGE deal!! I want more pages like yours, more positive experiences of life with an STI. Pages that tell me I can live and love responsibly despite the problems down below. Pages that tell me it’s nothing to be ashamed of, STIs are common. It was a mistake but I can’t spend the rest of my life making up for it. I can’t let this virus define who I am, and I won’t. Your blog has been a great influence on me, I hope to create something equally great when I start getting my own positive experiences of living with the virus!!
Thank you!!! =D
Donah.
Thanks so much for your positive comments Donah. I don’t believe that HPV is much different from HSV in that they are both over stigmatized sexually transmitted viruses. I don’t have a lot of experience with HPV, although I (of course) have known a few people with the virus. These viruses are so common and so easily spread, once you start talking it is shocking how many people carry the viruses. It is a shame we continue to struggle with the fear and unrealistic assumptions surrounding the infections.
OF COURSE I believe that you can live a happy and successful life despite HPV. Also, without having a ton of knowledge regarding genital warts, I would assume that many treatments would be the same as for HSV. Both are viruses that depend on a strong immune system to remain dormant. I would for sure try, ‘oil of oregano’, zinc, vitamin C and maybe beta glucan (from yeast) and/or panax ginseng (sold as ColdFX). All of these are strong immune boosters that I have had great success with in managing my HSV. Don’t take them all at once because if they work, you won’t know which it is and it will get expensive to take them all the time. Also I don’t like taking something every day for long periods of time (except for the Vitamin C and zinc) so try mixing it up every month.
I am going to be writing over the next few weeks about, “herpes telling” and I’m sure it will all be relevant to any sexually transmitted disease. Good luck!
Nanci,
You are an Angel.. as soon as i started reading your blog, i felt a weight lifted off my heart. Your words gave me the warm feeling you get from relating to someone for the first time about a life long secret. I’ve had “H” for the past 4 years. Recently i gained a since of hopelessness. My “OBs” never seem to go away. So i got this great idea to see a woman doctor, thinking she could give me some type of solution and comfort. Oh was i wrong! To make a long story short, i left in tears. After telling her about my “H” she looked at me in disgust and disdain. Never before had “H” made me feel so nasty and ashamed. “There is no hope for me” i thought to myself after my doctor visit.
In attempts to find the cure i stumbled upon your heaven sent blog. There are so many questions. I hope that we can stay in contact about the doubts in my head and wonders of my heart…
Thank you so very much
Millie
Millie,
Thank you so much for your positive comment. You will note that I changed your name in the case that the name you originally sent me was your real name. (awesome name by the way, LOVE that name). Yes, women can actually be more judgmental than men, which is too bad because I really believe we should stick together. I receive up to five e-mails each morning from women just like you (and my site doesn’t actually get that much traffic), so please know that you are NOT alone.
Yes, we can stay in contact. I would like that.
I will also e-mail you directly with a response to the e-mail you sent me through the contact form. YES, I do have lots of ideas (mostly inexpensive), that can help with recurring outbreaks.
Have a great day, you will hear from me soon.
Nanci
nanci you have open my eyes on this condition and your story has done alot for many persons living with or without it god bless
This post has literally brought tears to my eyes. Granted I may be extra sensitive this time of month, but It was completely touching. 13 years ago I felt like my life was over, and no one would ever love me. I have been through situations with ‘boys’ who broke up with me when I told them about my herpes. There is no right time to tell a [potential] partner. For some its either too soon, too late; they feel as though they had been lied to for letting them fall in love before they are told. I suppose this is what separates the boys from the men. I’m in a relationship; going on 14 months and its the longest I’ve been in one. Here is the sweet part, when I told my boyfriend that I had the virus, as well as Hpv, he confessed his love to me. This was the first time he said he loved me. He told me that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest his life with me. That was not the reaction I expected given my past. I cried then too. I do feel lucky to have him, but not because I have herpes and feel any less worthy; but because he is so much more than any boy/man that I have ever dated.
Nanci,
I am so glad I was surfing the internet tonight looking for answers about herpes you have put a bit of hope back inside of me. I found out I got genital herpes in April of this year. I had been dating a guy and he never told me he had it and I got it from him. I should of taken more precautions and I did not. I trusted him. I have learned my lesson, but lately I had another outbreak, and although It will never be as bad as the first one, because I can tell when I am getting symptoms and I take care of it with medication right away, I still have sunk into this deep depression. I feel sad, even have have thoughts of dying. I know I would never do that but, I am so sick to my stomach that I have this.
I have been reading your blog and I now know that I will be OK, It is not the end of the world, and I do worry about meeting some guy I like and having to tell him I have herpes, that scares me. LIke you said though its his loss if he doesn’t want me after I tell him. So thank you for giving me hope again. It is tough and I cannot say I am 100 percent in my thoughts I am trying everyday.
I have another question, you say you can have kids with herpes. How do you do this without giving your partner it while unprotected? Is it safe to do so when you do not have a outbreak?
Thanks so much!
Nanci,
Thank you so much for writing that. This morning my boyfriend called me in a panic saying that he was diagnosed with genital herpes which means I most likely have them too but never showed any symptoms. I’m not the one I’m really concerned about in the situation. It’s him. He’s feeling so much shame and disgust with himself. I’ve tried telling him that I don’t think of him any differently and that we can get through this together but he’s still caught up in emotional state of just finding out he has an STD that he can’t get rid of… understandably. I’ve even tried telling him that the worst part of herpes is more or less the embarrassment because people without herpes and even doctors are very unforgiving to people who are infected with the virus. Nothing doing. I suppose I should just give him some time to let it soak in for him to accept it. He’s gonna have to. But I just wanted to say that you just lifted my spirits this morning. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this website. I was just diagnosed with HSV1 yesterday, and my world has been teetering on crashing all around me ever since. The man I was with for over a year didn’t tell me he had the virus until I started showing symptoms, and when I left him (not just for that, but many other reasons) he told everyone in our VERY small town that I gave him the virus. Most of my friends still don’t know, however, and I’ve been too terrified to talk to any of them about it. It’s such an embarrassing admission to make, even to the people most important in my life. I felt ruined, alone, diseased. I thought I was doomed to be alone forever, because who would want a woman with herpes? But reading your blog has really lifted my spirits. It’s great to hear that you have a husband who is HSV free and still accepting of you. And it’s nice to get such great information on a blog, rather than a scary STD website that really makes you feel disgusting.
I also wanted to mention a few natural remedies that I’ve started using. I only got my results back yesterday, but I’ve been having outbreaks for the past 4 months. I work at a health food store, so I had a lot of information & products at my disposal. I’ve found a vitamin regimen that really helps, and I haven’t had an outbreak since I started it a month ago. I take 1500mg vitamin C, 1500mg of Lysine, 5000IU of Vitamin D, & Melissa (aka lemon balm) daily. I’ve been researching Beta Glucan, and it seems really promising. The NOW brand puts out an extra-strength BG that is pretty affordable, and I’m going to try that as well. There is also an herb called Prunella vulgaris, or self-heal, that is supposed to help with herpes, but I’ve been having trouble finding that through our distributors. There are online sources though. There is also a supplement called Herpeeze that combines all of these, as well as a few other herbs, and is supposed to be very effective. It’s kind of expensive though, at least at our store. I hope you can pass all this info on, because it’s definitely helped me! Thanks again for such a great website!
Why not post this to HerpesFish.com since there are millions of people with herpes think they will be defined by herpes?
I have had hsv for about 2 years now I had recieved it from one of my ex boyfriends that I thought I was madly in love with…. It wasnt love he use to control and abuse me not only phsyically but emotinally also and I never left him because I was scared I would be alone for the rest of my life… He cheated on me all the time and he gave me hsv I wanted to kill myself for the longest time and even attempted to… Until I had finally told my best friend and he told me it wasnt the end of the world and someone would accept me and my package… I have dated a few men who didnt mind that I had it and we even had sex with out protection for a couple of months and they never caught it. I have only had one outbreak since I was diagnosed and actually forget I have it until I start to date… Lately I have been let down so many times because of stupid information out there on the web they make it out to be like its some horrible nasty diease and were nasty people….It pisses me off because its not as bad as they make it out to be,,, I still struggle because no matter how amazing and or beautiful you are once you reveal your secret your garbage to them…. Maybe I am telling them at the wrong time I really dont know but I feel like my life is over and I am never going to fall in love again and have he family I always wanted…. I dont take prescription medication but I take a mixture of herbs that has worked wonders for me and I encourge everyone to look into herbal remidies they do work and I know there has to be a cure…. You give me hope and I have developed a relationship with god now that is so strong I hav accepted what I have and I think it has made me realize alot more in this life… All yall that have this virus just remember were not alone and keep your head up….
Hello Friend, Am Dina. I’m just here sharing my experience with you guys, Cause i know someone out there is looking for the same thing too. I have being suffering from Herpes, So i have been disabled for a long time, Not until i met Omar the herbalist Or Spiritual herbalist which ever you want to call him, He as done a lot for me and my family, Getting this sickness away from me means a lot to me, And he also does many things for people like Love charms, Protection, Good Luck, and many more It as worked for me and am sure it will work for you Or whosoever needs it. So if you need any help you can get to me on my private email address, dinalookingforu@yahoo.com. Hope you get what you want.
Good Luck
Dina
Another great post Nancy! And I completely agree. I think the problem lies deeply in two areas:
1. False/Limiting Beliefs
2. Self-Confidence
False/Limiting Beliefs: I feel that the stigma surrounding the herpes virus and more importantly the stigma surrounding those of us who have HSV, has caused many people to actually transform themselves and become those limiting beliefs. An example…if before you were diagnosed with HSV, you thought that there is no way under the sun that you would ever date or marry someone with herpes then you adopt those feelings or beliefs after being diagnosed. You believe that since you would never date someone with herpes, you in turn feel that no one would date you.
Self-Confidence: This is huge among those of us with HSV. From the moment that we heard those dreaded words’ “You have genital herpes”, we felt the self-confidence literally drain from our souls. I know I did. I went from a strong and confident man to a timid puppy with my tail stuck between my legs in just a matter of seconds. It wasn’t until I began to learn more about the virus and understand it did my self confidence began to come back. For those with “shaky” self-confidence to begin with, a HSV diagnosis can be exceptionally damaging.
I’ll step down from my soapbox now and quit rambling…
Thanks for your thoughtful Posts!
Ed
You have truly set me free in many ways .. I have not eaten in days or slept well. I have a deprssion and stress that is making my back kill me . I have hvs2 and i just found out a week ago . I have been trying to research alot of things including passing it to my son .(my biggest fear). I have gotten one out break that i thought was a rash ……But now my biggest concern was my lil fevers at night . does that leave or do i have to go on suppressive therapy. I dont know the difference in my back pains if their due to stress or the virus …. Thank you for having this site cause all i read are people that are as miserable as me and thats no help….Terrible fear im going to pass it with no symptoms to my face I would die .omg that would really be the death of me , Please email me with some hope or some advice …or maybe some way i cant stop the back aches and fever since those are now common events ..
I have recently been dianosed with herpes and being fairly young in age I thought my life was over so reading this post has really brighted up my day! Often times I find myself crying everytime I think about “H” and finally I’m at a point where I can make it through most days. I know “H” isn’t the end of the world but it sure feels like it. And I know it’s sad but reading about how common it is, is really ensuring. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 9 months and he is very supportive (by that I mean we never talk about it because I always cry) but I don’t feel like we are forever. I have said in the past that I am preparing to be alone for the rest of my life because I know I am not strong enough to tell another man I have herpes. But reading everyone comments gives me a little strenght. I have been living with herpes knowingly for about 7 months now and I would appreciate any advice you have on the subject. Also I have a fairly weak immune system and it feels like I have an outbreak every two months. I was reading above and I would really appreciate any advice you may have on inexpensive ways to keep my outbreaks as few as possible. Thank you for this post and all the comments. I really needed to read this.
I was diagnosed with HSV-2 and HPV last year and had never thought of looking for a blog-page on it until now…
the comments I’ve read have really moved me.
I know for a fact that my confidence has plummeted to an all-time low this past year and it’s had a tremendous affect on my friendships/moods/academic progress. It’s strange how scared and alone something like this can make you feel, even though it’s actually quite a common form of STD, it’s just rarely spoken about in public.
It’s been 9 months since I split from my ex who I contracted it from after he cheated on me, and it’s been excruciatingly hard to come to terms with it as it’s not like other STD’s like chlamydia which can be treated…
In all honesty, I haven’t had sex since I was diagnosed with it as I can’t find the bravery to tell guys I’ve dated that I have an STD as I can imagine if it was me and a guy told me that he had herpes, I’d have been automatically put-off (were it not for the fact that I am now much more understanding of it).
However, these posts have really made me see that there is hope and that I shouldn’t let a virus determine my entire persona. I’m still me, just a much more considerate and understanding version of the person I was before.
This may sound extremely over the top, but I genuinely think it’s sites like this that save lives…without the knowledge that there are other people out there going through the same things and feeling the same anxiety/anger/upset and being able to share emotions and experiences, living with it becomes a whole lot harder and more taxing on the mind.
We’re not bad people just because we have an STD, it’s not our fault, we are just the unlucky ones who have shown symptoms of the virus, there are thousands of people out there with an asymptomatic form of the virus spreading it around without even knowing.
Overall though we’re better people for learning to live with this virus – more understanding and more caring.
We should always remember that there are people in this world who are much worse-off than we are…
I`ve just found this site and it`s really inspiring! My longterm partner knowingly infected me with HSV2 – He had no outbreaks untill 2 yrs into the relationship. I have faced rejection, even though I do the decent thing and tell a guy soon – rather than us both get dissapointed. I find it very difficult to pluck up the courage to tell them because I have been really low, mentally, about this, but what else am I supposed to do? I can`t not tell them, that would make me as evil as my ex. And I know I`m doing the right thing.
I look forward to reading more on here, as it gives me hope, though I have to say, I agree in a BIG WAY about how I shouldn`t feel that the guy is making a sarifice by being with me, ( I have felt like this in the past and felt almost greatful that I`d got someone) And I`ve now come to convince myself that there are worse things to have and more importantly, as common as this is, if the guy is a decent, worthy person, he`ll still want `me for me`.
thank goodness for this website! I found out that i had HSV2 the day after Christmas (Merry Christmas right). I am 23 years old and have experienced all of the feelings that several people have mentioned: loss of appetite, weight loss, depression, anger, sadness, being ashamed and feeling dirty. I felt like my entire life was ruined and was so angry at myself for not being more cautious. its been about 3 months now and I continue to struggle with it. I take Valtrex daily but even taking the pill once every morning Ive had one outbreak. Obviously my biggest fear has been dating. I had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship and the first guy I slept with gave it to me. Ive felt so lost and my self esteem plummeted. Hearing about others who are dealing with the same feelings is extraordinarily helpful and Nanci you have truly given me hope for my future and for a future with someone who will love me for every piece of me. And so I say thank you from the bottom of my heart, Im so glad I found this site!